Friday, June 1, 2012

Other Funny Things *May 2012 Edition*

Ricky: "I feel like I let the kids just trample all over everything in the house today...y'know, 'cause they're a herd of buffalo."
Me: "Can two be considered a 'herd'?"
Ricky: "It can when it's those two."

So far, my Mother's Day has consisted of cleaning up cat poop from the living room floor, burning two bags of Olivia's popcorn, cleaning I don't know what but it was sticky from the girlies bathroom floor, and unclogging their toilet. I shudder to think what is going to happen the rest of the day, as it is only 9:15am.

Just once, I would like a day where my children don't fight, argue, whine, complain, or tattle.

*watching season 2 of "Justified"*
Ricky: "Season 3 Spoiler Alert: He shoots people."

*Talking about board game movies. Ricky says 'Connect-4' should be next. Listening to Ricky go into great detail about the plot*
Me: "You've talked to Mitch about this, haven't you?"
Ricky: "No, not yet..."

Can of Silly String in the refrigerator? #normalaroundhere

Ricky: "All I wanna do right now is lay down..with a Fatty." (Meaning Big Kitty)
Me: *looks at him*
Ricky: "Preferably you. Laying down."
Me: *glares at him*
Ricky: "I did not just call you fat."
Me: "This is so going on Facebook."
Ricky: "Don't do that! You're going to put it out of context!"
Me: "No, I'm not. I'm just going to write what you said."
Ricky: "Exactly!"

It's May and it's 89 degrees outside., but it feels like 103. I hate Florida.

Ricky: "Let it be known, that on today, May 27th. Olivia beat her first Mario world. And found a secret room."

*Watching 'America's Got Talent' season 3*
Me; "What does David Hasslehoff know about talent?"
Ricky: "I know, right?"

Gotta have the before bedtime fighting match between Skeletor, Superman, & Batman. All I can hear is Skeletor screaming, "This one's got a weapon!" and then Batman comes running out with a baton.

*after asking for Ricky to reheat the nachos he brought home for me*
Ricky: "You're adorably helpless."
Me: "Helpless, really?"
Ricky: *realizes what he's said* "Bad choice of words."
Me: "What's the other word? Lazy?"
Ricky: "No."
Me: "You could have said 'co-dependent'."
Ricky: "Yep, that would have been better."

Ricky: "When you write a book about us, please don't title it, 'My Life with Two Kids and a Dumb Ass.'"

*Watching season 3 of 'America's Got Talent'*
Me: "The Hoff loves a sob story."
Ricky: "That's 'cause The Hoff is a sob story."

Funny Things My Kids Said *May 2012 Edition*

Ricky and the girlies are talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger to each other.

Me: "What do sharks eat?"
Emma: "Kids."

My children don't hear me when I call their names half the time, but they never miss hearing the timer go off when they are baking cookies. Selective hearing at its finest.

Brand new $4 bottle of kids shampoo dumped in the bath to make bubbles.

*Talking to Aunt Linda on the phone*
Emma: "I love Grandma. Daddy likes you."

Olivia: "Mommy, move Emma to red light."
Me: "Why does she need a red light?"
Olivia: "She touched me."

One girlie is in her room playing with jewelry. The other is in the kitchen playing with canned goods.

Ricky: "Okay girlies, we're going to go to bed in about 5 or 10 minutes."
Emma: "How 'bout we go to bed in 13 minutes."
Ricky: "Okay, 13 minutes it is."

*Watching the Justice League movie*
Emma & Olivia: "Aquaman! That's you, Dad!"

Our whole house looks like a toy bomb exploded in it.

*While watching 'The Avengers'*
Emma: "Where's Hawk...Hawk Guy..."
Me: "Hawkeye?"
Emma: "Yeah. He's a chicken."

Olivia: "Wanna smell my armpit? It smells like grapes!"

Ricky is singing the 'Speed Racer' theme song. Emma is getting mad at him.

Told the kiddos we'd be watching "The Princess Bride" tonight. Emma says, "This movie is NOT awesome." A dagger to my heart would have hurt less...

*pulling out a tape measure*
Emma: "Mommy, let's see what size you are...big."

Me: "Why are you scratching my knee?"
Olivia: "I'm getting the snow off."
Me: "There's no snow on my knee."
Olivia: "I'm getting the bugs out."

*Showing me her painted toenails*
Olivia: "My feet are polished."

Emma is in the stage where she likes to bargain with you on time limits. Only she has no concept of time. Sometimes this works in her favor. Other times, not so much.

*to Patrick*
Emma: "You've got bologna in your face."

*changing into their swimsuits*
Olivia: "Whoops! I'm NAKED!"
Emma: "Olivia's a naked kid."

Every time Olivia says, "Wanna see a magic trick?" I instinctively check to make sure she's not holding a pencil.

Olivia: "Mom, I have to watch Link!"

Olivia: "But I wanted to share your yogurt!"
Ricky: "Well, that's what happens when you leave, I eat it."

*as heard from the bathroom*
Emma: "I'm sorry I put Olivia's toothbrush in the toilet."

Olivia is so happy right now. She just unbuttoned her shirt all by herself for the first time.

Olivia: "My name is Tinkerbell. PIXIE DUST!!!"

Emma: "Are you going to read stories to us tonight?"
Me: "Yep."
Olivia: "No, you're too fat."