Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Other Funny Things *July 2012 Edition*

  • What's worse than slipping in cat puke on the kitchen floor? Breaking your new flip-flops the first time you wear them while slipping. Just ask Ricky. :)
  • Playing "Beat the Clock" while sewing on these karate patches. I got three of the four of them on without stabbing myself at all, then I stabbed my self six times in a row.
  • Found another black widow spider in the kiddos playhouse. Naturally, I must take photos before I murder it.
  • The arachnid gets to live for a bit longer since I'm not satisfied with the photos I got. Off for more pictures! Then murder!
  • *watching Jerry Springer*Me: "I'll bet she smells like vanilla."
    Mitch: "No, she smells like her father's disappointment."
  • Things found while cleaning out the trunk of my car: Unopened toothbrush, three bars of Ivory soap, fly swatter, two bath mats, Care Bear, three plastic shovels, two hangers, vase, wire butterfly, dresses from the girlies 1st Christmas, jewelry cleaner, and an acorn-filled Easter egg.
  • *The girlies are getting good at working together against Ricky.*Ricky: "She keeps trying to hit my toes."Me: "Well, that's a good strategy."Ricky: "She keeps going low, and the other one keeps hitting high. I can't block them both!"
  • *Overhearing a lady at the surgery center talking to Ricky*Lady: "How far apart are they?"Ricky: "One minute."Lady: "Oh, they are twins? My kids are 364 days apart. I think twins would have been easier."Me thinking to myself: *Oh really? For the first year you had ONE BABY!! By the time the second came along the first was walking!* I hate people that say things like that. I seriously just wanna slap her and shake some sense into her.
  • The pediatric dentist office always serves as a reminder of why I hate other people's children.
  • Disgusting Parenting Moment #845: Tonight while at the beach Wal-Mart, Olivia said she had to go potty. So I take her. While in there she didn't scoot far enough back on the toilet and peed on her underwear/the floor. So, I take her shoes off and her shorts and throw her underwear away. I pick her up off the toilet so she doesn't step in the puddle on the floor, she somehow loses her footing and slips in the puddle...landing with her whole arm in the toilet that we haven't flushed yet. Then, the toilet automatically flushes, scares her, and she puts her hands over her ears and gets toilet water all over her face and hair. I had to wash her and her hair as best I could in the bathroom and then go buy new underwear so we could make it to dinner. I would love it if that never happened again.
  • 1) All the light bulbs in the entrance way, hallway, and girlies bathroom burned out at about the same time2) As Ricky was changing out one in the bathroom, it busted still in the ceiling. Had to get pliers to get it out.3) While Ricky is changing out the light bulbs, Emma is throwing up in the dark bathroom 'cause she can't stop coughing.Tonight's been awesome.

Funny Things My Kids Say *July 2012 Edition*

Ricky: "Big Kitty is my old man cat."
Emma: "He's not an old man, he's a good cat."

Methinks Emma has played too much "Castle Crashers" when she thinks that we should cut off Olivia's head because she does something Em doesn't like.

*Ricky getting on to the kiddos for their behavior at karate*
Ricky: "Do you understand?"
Olivia: "Yes, sir."
Emma: "Aye, Aye, Captain!"

Ricky just got Olivia to eat Brussels sprouts and like it.

*the movie we are watching starts skipping*
Olivia: "The movie is gurgling!"

Emma: "Mommy, I don't want to wear diapers anymore."
Me: "You don't wear diapers."
Emma: *pauses* "Thanks, Mom."

Emma: "Mommy, I love to speak Spanish."
Me: "You don't know Spanish."
Emma: "Yes, I do. Vamonos, see?!"
Me: "What does that mean?"
Emma: "To come on and go."

*I think the kids are confused by their new classroom rules.*
Olivia: "#1 No pushing. #2 Be a friend. #3...#3...#4...#3 Don't be a friend. #4 Be nice. #5 Don't get a dog."

Olivia: "Mommy, you're respectful, responsible, and a good listener. Daddy, you're not respectful, responsible, or a good listener. You should be in time out."

Every time Olivia plays "teacher", we sense a theme about what she says to her "students". Usually it's something about not paying attention or being distracted. I think Liv may be telling on herself. 

Olivia: *sneeze* "I have a sneeze."
Me: "You have the sneezy sneezes?"
Olivia: "No, just one."

Emma: "These scissors are pointy. You have to be careful. You could cut your finger and you could die!"

Emma: *goes to grab a cookie*
Me: "Emma, no more cookies. It's dinner time."
Emma: "But Daddy just ate one!"
Ricky: *looks at me with a guilty look on his face*
Me: "Tell Daddy, 'No more cookies, it's dinner time."

Emma: "Mommy, if you make us go to school, you will go to jail."
Me: "Actually, if I DON'T make you go to school, Mommy goes to jail. So, get your shoes on."

Emma: Daddy! Come look! I pooped! It's green! And brown!
Ricky: "Okay, I'm coming." 
Emma: "It's green!"
Ricky: "Okay, you done?"
Emma: "No, I've gotta poop five more. It's gonna be carrots."

Emma: "When I poop a lot of green, you're going to look at it and say, 'Wow! That's a lot of green!'"

Emma: "I pooped another green! Daddy, I pooped another green!"
Ricky: "That's great, Emma."
Emma: "Daddy, come look! Olivia, I pooped green! Daddy, Olivia, come look!"


Caught one of my twins climbing a tree at a birthday party on July 29th.
Click It Up A Notch

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Other Funny Things *June 2012 Edition*

Me: "I would just like to say that I liked Leonardo DiCaprio before you did."
Ricky: "Well, when you liked him, he sucked."

*talking about our 15+ year old cat, Big Kitty*
Me: "We should re-name him Schrödinger."
Ricky: "What? Why?"
Me: "'Cause we joke that we're not sure if he's alive or dead."
Ricky: "I don't get it."
Me: "Did I just out-nerd you?"
Ricky: "I think you did."

Ricky: "I gave Davis a hug today and smelled him."
Me: "You're not the creepy guy at work, are you?"

One of the kids at the cook-out: "What makes the mentos and coke explode?"
Me: "Science!"

Me: "Emma, stop putting things inside the broom."

*talking about Sharon Osborne*
Ricky: "Ugh, she sucks."
Me: "Whatever, I like her."
Ricky: "I love you, but you're wrong."

Ricky: *to kids* "Don't lick me!" *to me* "Stephanie, the kids are being gross!"
Me: "I'm sorry, all I heard you say was, 'The sky is blue.'"

*Bought a new Superhero room comforter at The Goodwill.*
Me: "It'll work until we can get a Batman blanket."
Ricky: "Superman: Good enough until you can get Batman."

Was thisclose to Emeril Lagasse tonight. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I thought it might be a little weird since I had crazy fan-girl face on.

Ricky: "What flavor ice cream do you want?"
Me: *points to vanilla and chocolate*
Ricky: "So, vanilla and brown?"

Funny Things My Kids Said *June 2012 Edition*


*talking to Emma about summer school and kindergarten next year*
Emma: *crying* "We can't split in half. We can't split in half at school! I need my sister!"

*playing in the bathtub*
Emma: "Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me! SMELL MY BUTT!"

*playing legos*
Emma: "Mommy, where's that part?"
Me: "What part?"
Emma: "That part I'm looking for."

Olivia: "Come with me to the snack room"
Me: "You mean the pantry?"
Olivia: "Yeah."

Emma: ""Mommy! You're FIRED!"

Olivia was just putting on a puppet show (complete with separate voice) with her Spongebob bowling pins.

Me: "Time to go brush your teeth."
Olivia: "No, it's raining."

*whining and arguing over their toothpaste*
Me: "Whiners don't get to use umbrellas!"

*the kiddos had a classmate bring in cupcakes with Justin Bieber rings on them*
Me: "Do you know who that is on your ring?"
Olivia: "Daddy?"
Me; "No."
Olivia: "Josh?"
Me: "No. That's Justin Bieber."
Olivia: "Justin Beaver?"
Emma: "Justice Beaver?"
Me: "Yep."

*Emma runs through the hallway and accidentally drops her goldfish snacks*
Emma: "Olivia, pick those up."
Me: "Did Olivia make you drop them?"
Emma: "No."
Me: "Then you pick them up."

*heard from the girlies room*
Ricky: "You've got Big Mickey. You don't need mustard with Big Mickey."

*comes out to tattle*
Olivia: "Mom. Emma said 'Gagoose'."
Me: "So?"
Olivia: "But she's using baby words!"
Me: "Go brush your teeth."

*overheard part of the girlies whining conversation while they brush their teeth*
Olivia: "Nooo, Daddy's a good girl!"

Olivia: "I wanna make you a birthday cake."
Me: "But it's not my birthday."
Olivia: "It's going to be bbq-flavored ketchup!"

*talking about her bubble gum*
Emma: "I'm gonna get a big piece like Daddy. Daddy likes big ones."

Olivia has just informed us that because Ricky spit out the window, he is getting old, so she gets new parents.

Olivia: "Dad, you are John Stewart Green Lantern. Mom, you are the girl Batman. Emma, you are Larryboy and I am Sonic."

*playing "Castle Crashers*
Olivia: "Emma, take care of me!"

Friday, June 1, 2012

Other Funny Things *May 2012 Edition*

Ricky: "I feel like I let the kids just trample all over everything in the house today...y'know, 'cause they're a herd of buffalo."
Me: "Can two be considered a 'herd'?"
Ricky: "It can when it's those two."

So far, my Mother's Day has consisted of cleaning up cat poop from the living room floor, burning two bags of Olivia's popcorn, cleaning I don't know what but it was sticky from the girlies bathroom floor, and unclogging their toilet. I shudder to think what is going to happen the rest of the day, as it is only 9:15am.

Just once, I would like a day where my children don't fight, argue, whine, complain, or tattle.

*watching season 2 of "Justified"*
Ricky: "Season 3 Spoiler Alert: He shoots people."

*Talking about board game movies. Ricky says 'Connect-4' should be next. Listening to Ricky go into great detail about the plot*
Me: "You've talked to Mitch about this, haven't you?"
Ricky: "No, not yet..."

Can of Silly String in the refrigerator? #normalaroundhere

Ricky: "All I wanna do right now is lay down..with a Fatty." (Meaning Big Kitty)
Me: *looks at him*
Ricky: "Preferably you. Laying down."
Me: *glares at him*
Ricky: "I did not just call you fat."
Me: "This is so going on Facebook."
Ricky: "Don't do that! You're going to put it out of context!"
Me: "No, I'm not. I'm just going to write what you said."
Ricky: "Exactly!"

It's May and it's 89 degrees outside., but it feels like 103. I hate Florida.

Ricky: "Let it be known, that on today, May 27th. Olivia beat her first Mario world. And found a secret room."

*Watching 'America's Got Talent' season 3*
Me; "What does David Hasslehoff know about talent?"
Ricky: "I know, right?"

Gotta have the before bedtime fighting match between Skeletor, Superman, & Batman. All I can hear is Skeletor screaming, "This one's got a weapon!" and then Batman comes running out with a baton.

*after asking for Ricky to reheat the nachos he brought home for me*
Ricky: "You're adorably helpless."
Me: "Helpless, really?"
Ricky: *realizes what he's said* "Bad choice of words."
Me: "What's the other word? Lazy?"
Ricky: "No."
Me: "You could have said 'co-dependent'."
Ricky: "Yep, that would have been better."

Ricky: "When you write a book about us, please don't title it, 'My Life with Two Kids and a Dumb Ass.'"

*Watching season 3 of 'America's Got Talent'*
Me: "The Hoff loves a sob story."
Ricky: "That's 'cause The Hoff is a sob story."

Funny Things My Kids Said *May 2012 Edition*

Ricky and the girlies are talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger to each other.

Me: "What do sharks eat?"
Emma: "Kids."

My children don't hear me when I call their names half the time, but they never miss hearing the timer go off when they are baking cookies. Selective hearing at its finest.

Brand new $4 bottle of kids shampoo dumped in the bath to make bubbles.

*Talking to Aunt Linda on the phone*
Emma: "I love Grandma. Daddy likes you."

Olivia: "Mommy, move Emma to red light."
Me: "Why does she need a red light?"
Olivia: "She touched me."

One girlie is in her room playing with jewelry. The other is in the kitchen playing with canned goods.

Ricky: "Okay girlies, we're going to go to bed in about 5 or 10 minutes."
Emma: "How 'bout we go to bed in 13 minutes."
Ricky: "Okay, 13 minutes it is."

*Watching the Justice League movie*
Emma & Olivia: "Aquaman! That's you, Dad!"

Our whole house looks like a toy bomb exploded in it.

*While watching 'The Avengers'*
Emma: "Where's Hawk...Hawk Guy..."
Me: "Hawkeye?"
Emma: "Yeah. He's a chicken."

Olivia: "Wanna smell my armpit? It smells like grapes!"

Ricky is singing the 'Speed Racer' theme song. Emma is getting mad at him.

Told the kiddos we'd be watching "The Princess Bride" tonight. Emma says, "This movie is NOT awesome." A dagger to my heart would have hurt less...

*pulling out a tape measure*
Emma: "Mommy, let's see what size you are...big."

Me: "Why are you scratching my knee?"
Olivia: "I'm getting the snow off."
Me: "There's no snow on my knee."
Olivia: "I'm getting the bugs out."

*Showing me her painted toenails*
Olivia: "My feet are polished."

Emma is in the stage where she likes to bargain with you on time limits. Only she has no concept of time. Sometimes this works in her favor. Other times, not so much.

*to Patrick*
Emma: "You've got bologna in your face."

*changing into their swimsuits*
Olivia: "Whoops! I'm NAKED!"
Emma: "Olivia's a naked kid."

Every time Olivia says, "Wanna see a magic trick?" I instinctively check to make sure she's not holding a pencil.

Olivia: "Mom, I have to watch Link!"

Olivia: "But I wanted to share your yogurt!"
Ricky: "Well, that's what happens when you leave, I eat it."

*as heard from the bathroom*
Emma: "I'm sorry I put Olivia's toothbrush in the toilet."

Olivia is so happy right now. She just unbuttoned her shirt all by herself for the first time.

Olivia: "My name is Tinkerbell. PIXIE DUST!!!"

Emma: "Are you going to read stories to us tonight?"
Me: "Yep."
Olivia: "No, you're too fat."